We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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