So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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