sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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