I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
