I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
