If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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