i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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