I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize
