Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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