I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
