quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
