At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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