Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
