I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
