just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
