Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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