I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
