I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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