I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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