I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
