I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
