I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
