A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
