my phone needs a breathalizer
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
