I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
