Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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