Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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