Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
