I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I AM VODKA MAN
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
