At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
