Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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