Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
