are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
