hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
