the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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