Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
