M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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