Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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