Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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