my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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