Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
