I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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