Don't make out with my wife yet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
