im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
