you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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