i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
