Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
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