Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
