I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
