My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
