the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
